Defeated

It happened. I’m defeated. After all the battles I’ve fought, I’ve been defeated. There is no way to change this now. The defeat is over. The battlefield has cleared. There are only people searching for their missing loved ones left. And I am lying there, in a mountain of corpses, waiting for the fire to start burning us all. We all become nothing more than ash in the end.

There are still people to stubborn to realize there is nothing to change about this now. They want to go to war again. “Let’s fight again!” they say. “For your own good, go to battle once again, at least try!” You should all look me in the face and tell me in all seriousness, that I’m doing more right now than just wasting away.

I’ve been eating more again tough. But everything I eat will be nothing but ash, nothing more than earth on Planet Dirt, too. It all tastes so rotten. I taste the animals you killed and the chemicals you mixed to make it last longer. But it will rot. Most of it is already rotten at its core. I can taste the decay. But I eat. I’m putting the same chemicals in me, to make myself last longer too.

I find solace in the falling leaves. They have accepted their defeat. They had their times when they bloomed, but these times are over. They’re not trying to fight back. They silently get weaker and weaker, until they can’t hold on any longer and begin to fall. Sometimes I ask myself if the leaves falling to the ground feel like their really falling into a bottomless pit. They know they will be nothing more than ash in the end.

I will accept my defeat. I will accept what I’ve lost. I won’t try to fight again. Sometimes I feel like I should. There are things that are mine, it’s not fair to rip them away from me. But being defeated often is the only way of having a chance to win again.

And even tough I often feel like I have already given up, I am ready to win again.

In my attic

My attic is getting fuller and fuller. I’m very afraid since quite some time now, that there won’t be space left soon.

But there is something I got to squeeze in somehow. Not for me, but for somebody else. It’s this box, with a heavy lock on it. It’s pretty big and heavy, as it’s completely filled up with old memories, feelings and secrets. The person who gave it to me just didn’t have any space left for it. So I agreed to keep it in my attic.

It took a few days to clean my attic up enough to make space for it. But it’s important that I keep a good eye on it. It’s not like I promised the person anything, but she gave it to me, so I feel like I have a big responsibility to take care of it now.

The attic is still a mess tough. Everyday, I wake up and panic. I run up to my attic and look for the box, as I fear the day where my attic will be so clustered that I can’t find it again. I know it always will be there. But I’m afraid that my attic will get so messy someday, that it’s impossible to dig that box out again.

So I made a promise to myself to watch my attic a little more from now on. I will sort trough everything, throw everything useless away and get a little more order behind everything I keep up there. And in the middle of all this, I’ll make sure that your box is kept safe and clean. I’m not going to let this thing get lost up there. I won’t even let it gather dust. I’ll take care of it.

I’ll take care of it until you come to pick it up again. Even tough I’m not sure you will. Maybe you will forget about it. Or find a new box that fits your living room better than this big, clunky thing.

Well, if you never want to have it back again, I’ll still keep it. My attic is getting fuller and fuller, but there are other things I’d rather throw out than this. It may gather dust again as the years pass, but someday I will open it up for myself again, just to look trough all the pictures. There is too much worth in there to throw it away.

I’m a very clumsy guy and lose things all the time, but I’ll watch that key closely. I will always keep the key close to me, so nobody can steal it. I am willing to risk my life to defend that key. I put the key on the end of a chain that’s connected to my pants, so I don’t lose it. And in the case the chain rips someday, I wrote my name and my address on there so people may bring it back.

So even tough I’m clumsy and unorganized, I want you to fearlessly trust me on this one.

Your box will be safe with me.

State of Mind

I don't want to stand up today.

I don't want to watch the movie I was excited for.

I don't want to play the video game I was excited for.

I don't want to listen to the music I like.

I don't want to meet my friends.

I don't want to go to the party.

I don't want to have meaningful conversations.

I don't want to tell you how I am doing.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to do something fun.

I don't want to meet new people.

I don't want to realize myself.

I don't want to earn a lot of money.

I don't want to learn new things.

I don't want to create art.

I don't want to watch that funny video you can't stop laughing about.

I don't want to get drunk.

I don't want to get high.

I don't want to make a change.

I don't want to get you back.

I don't want to be happy.

I want nothing.

Corners

Sometimes I feel like all the corners in a room are moving in towards me. I can even hear the walls cracking as they begin to press against me. I know that when I push against them with my whole strength, it won’t be a problem to push them back. But every time I do this, a little bit of strength leaves my body. I fear the day I’m not strong enough, when the walls moving in will crush me.

I love you, wall

Oh my sweet love.

You can’t even possibly imagine how amazing you look right now. I could kiss every single brick of yours. And you have a lot of them.

You’ve grown pretty big. The extra bricks really did their job. No need to thank me, my love. It was wonderful helping you become even higher.

I must admit, the shadow you cast has become pretty damn cold. Freezing, even. Back than when you were small, I could escape into the sunlight again without much effort. Right now I would have to walk a thousand miles, easily, before it’s getting warmer.

But don’t worry, my love. Your majestic beauty makes everything warm again. You’re blocking out the sun, but for more of you, it seems like a good deal. It IS a good deal.

Remember how small & insignificant you once were? I would only have to take a leap to get past you. But even when you we’re just ten bricks or something, it was enough to make me blush every time I’d see you.

It made me so happy to see you grow. Get more & more & more of you. I remember the first moment where I had to climb to get over you. And do you remember when I bought all that expensive climbing gear, just to make it to the other side? That was so crazy…oh, how the times have past.

I love you more than anything else…even tough I will never get behind you again now.

...and someday I will freeze in the cold.